I’m not happy I guess. I can’t go to school anymore, too many goddamn people staring at me and thinking about me, judging me ALL the time. I can’t even leave my own house, and when I do I either stay in the car or go to my brothers house, which is horrible. I know what people think of me, I’m a bad person. I deserve to be treated badly and ignoring, I deserve to be miserable for the rest of my life. No one will ever like me, let alone love me. Once they get to know me, they’re off like the wind. I have no one to talk to, my sister is in just as bad shape as me so she hates me. My mother doesn’t care, my Father is a crack head and hates me too. I’m at home everyday, crying and wishing I could go outside. I can’t do outside!!! There’s too many people, I’ll start to shake and and sweat, my heart starts pumping hard and I can’t breathe. These people do it to me!!! I hate people, I can’t stand them, they don’t understand me, no one ever understands me… Makes me want to end it, I carry around a bag full of pills just in case if I feel like how I did when I over dosed before. Makes me feel in control, I feel like I can’t do the things I want to do. I hear something telling me I’m a loser and there’s no point in trying. I can never do anything at all…. My reflection is my only friend, I have no one else, so I just sit in my room talking to her. I always think she’s not me, that shes someone else, I always try and make her move or say something when I’m doing nothing. It keeps me busy throughout the days. No one believes me, no one cares enough to see why I can’t go outside. I wish I would get taken away or something, I want to be locked up forever so I don’t have to worry about being near people. I always fantasize that something will take me away from here, that there’s another world I can go to, somewhere I can be happy. Life is pointless and meaningless, I don’t care anymore,,,,,i cant cry anymore,,,,,,,,,,this is no longer nicole, shes gone now.
I Need Help
I’m sorry that you’re suffering. The fact that you believe “no one likes you” might be a sign of depression. You are convinced that other people don’t like you but you may be wrong. People with depression often misjudge reality. In the absence of any objective evidence, individuals with low self-esteem often believe that other people perceive them as being unlikeable or a “loser.” That type of faulty thinking leads to inaccurate conclusions.
Anxiety also seems to be an issue for you. You don’t like to go outside. When you do, you “shake and sweat,” your heart beats rapidly and you can’t breathe. You may be experiencing a panic attack. People have panic attacks when their anxiety has become out of control. In general, people suffer tremendously when their psychological symptoms are not well controlled.
It’s also concerning that you have suicidal thoughts. You’re prepared to overdose on a moment’s notice and are constantly fantasizing about dying. Those are worrying signs and clear evidence that professional help is required.
When an individual has difficulty seeing reality clearly, then it is in his or her best interest to seek the help of a trained professional who can correct their view of reality. Psychotherapy could be immensely beneficial to you. Anxiety disorders are highly treatable, as is depression. Medication might help, especially with your anxiety symptoms. You deserve to live a psychologically symptom-free life but you first must be willing to seek the appropriate professional help. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog