I’ve considered the possibility of murder for many years now, starting with my father when I was around 8 (he was heavily psychologically and physically abusive to me, and I have vivid memories of watching him beating my mum and hearing him rape her from the next room) though admittedly I did not fully understand the implications of the actions at the time, but rather just wanted a release from the constant fear in which I lived.
These fantasies eventually developed to being about other people, and now I have them about random individuals I may know nothing about. If I see an attractive man or woman (I’m bisexual) I’ll often imagine what it would be like to choke them to death, or tie them up and kill them slowly using an range of devices, more often than simply gaining a desire to have sex with them. There have been times were I have sat for hours with these things playing out in my head, and I really would like help in repressing them.
The desire to kill is not always present, as I seem to go through cycles of the urges disappearing for up to a month, leading me to believe they are gone for good, before they return to be just as extreme as before. My suicidal thoughts come about in a similar fashion and usually start up around a similar time, though the two are seldom present at once.
I have an exiguous conscience, I cannot perform sexually unless the act involves some form of violence or aggression, and my empathy for other people is outstandingly limited. However, I would like to repress these urges I’ve been having, as I know my death would upset my mum and siblings (the only people I really care for; friends are just for amusement, I wouldn’t shed a tear if they all died tomorrow, and I’m claustrophobic so don’t like the idea of spending the rest of my life in a prison cell. It feels good to get this in the open, even if I have used an alias, but if you could provide me with any help on this matter it would be much appreciated. Just to clarify, I’ve no killed anybody up to this point. Thanks for reading. Side note: drinking blood and cannibalism are also things I’ve considered, though I believe they are more down to curiosity.Violent Fantasies
You have articulately described how you are feeling. The fact the you have decided to share these feelings, perhaps for the first time, is a positive sign. You’re acknowledging that they are a problem and that you would like help. I commend you on your willingness to be open and to consider seeking help.
As you’ve noted, if you were to kill someone, you could spend the rest of your life in prison. Prison life is horrendous. Claustrophobia could be the least of your problems. Have you read about what it’s like to live in a prison? If not, you should. Michael Santos just finished serving 25 years of a 45-year felony drug sentence. He’s written several books on what it was like to be in prison. He also spends a great deal of time writing on his blogs and on his Facebook page about that experience. Below are several excerpts from his book “Inside: Life Behind Bars In America:”
“The system would cage me within the forty-foot walls that surround the penitentiary alongside nearly three thousand men, many of whom never expect to leave prison. Those felons live without hope of anything better. Every prisoner in the penitentiary [is only ]whispers away from extortion attempts, from savage gang rapes, from bludgeoning and stabbings… Prisons remove hope. They create resentment. They thwart family relationships, degrade each individual’s sense of self, and separate offenders in every way from society…”
Most of the experiences in his book “Inside” could not be reproduced in my response because of their graphic nature. I would encourage you to read the book so you can see firsthand what life is like inside an American prison. It’s worse than most could imagine.
Depending on which state you live in, committing murder might also mean being sentenced to the death penalty. Your decision to end the life of another, or several others, could devastate the lives of many people. Should you carry out your desires, your actions could be immensely destructive. All religions condemn murder as an act of evil.
I would strongly encourage you to seek help from mental health professionals. It is your responsibility to attempt to control these admitted desires. A mental health professional could assist you in controlling your feelings, repressing your emotions, and providing you with the necessary skills to control your behavior. You should not attempt to deal with this problem on your own.
Your urges are likely related to a need for control. As a child you were abused and surrounded by abuse but you had no power to change it. Any love and kindness that you received was in an atmosphere of fear and danger. Your mother was beaten and raped by your father. The abuse filled your mind. These circumstances had negative effects upon your normal development.
You were a victim. You were an innocent victim. It was wrong, very wrong. It was horrendously wrong. Don’t do this to another. Don’t be guilty of the sins of your father by replicating his actions. Condemn his actions and do not allow yourself to be like him.
You haven’t hurt anyone. He is guilty. You are not. You are still the victim. The victim of your father’s sinful actions. A good therapist will end your father’s abuse. He or she will end the lingering effects of your father’s abuse. If you deliberately hurt another, then how are you different from your father? How can you condemn your father’s actions, if you willingly, deliberately do as he did?
It would be irresponsible to ignore this problem and simply hope that it will go away. This problem requires professional treatment. I hope that you will take my advice. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog