Since I was in high school I have suffered from depression. I always thought so little of myself and how can others possibly like me? I kept few friends and had quite a few boyfriends. I had a boyfriend for about 7 years. I always had this intense feeling that he was cheating on me when he was not with me. Deep down I knew that he wasn’t, as he loved me dearly. But I couldn’t shake this feeling. We had sex pretty early in the relationship, he was my first partner. I found out after that I was not his first and I felt betrayed. After that I went on to cheat on him several times, sleeping with a few different men, just one night stands. I didn’t think clearly, I didn’t even protect myself. Luckily through all of it I didn’t get pregnant or contract an STD. My partner put up with me for all those years knowing that I had cheating on him, thinking that I could be a better person. But I just couldn’t see myself as a good person.
Eventually after losing my job, I sat around for months not doing anything. He left me stating it was for my own good and I needed help. He still loved me, but he wanted me to get better. Years later I am now married to a wonderful guy. But I still get these intense feelings about things that should not matter. Such as, he likes a photo of a female celebrity on facebook. I get furious with him. Again, deep down I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I can’t help it! When things are going great I feel so connected to him and want to feel that way all the time. But something so little just makes me snap and hate him. I don’t want to feel this way, I know it’s irrational. But I don’t know what to do.
I have always reacted very strongly to things. In school when I would get in trouble, sent to detention. I would start crying because I felt like scum, I felt like I was this worthless being. When I would make a comment to someone and they took it bad and hurt their feelings I would feel like I needed to punish myself for it. Sometimes by cutting myself, once with a broken bottle I found nearby. Even now at work, if I get in trouble for something that isn’t even that bad, I feel worthless, like I don’t deserve to live.
I can’t stand living with these intense feelings anymore. I want to be happy, but I feel like I don’t deserve it.