I can tell by your letter than you are a smart, sensitive young woman who thinks deeply about many things. Unfortunately, a little knowledge can indeed be dangerous. You are way over-thinking. The result is that you are making yourself anxious and upset about very normal feelings and thoughts. When people get over-anxious about things, they tend to get into quite a spin.
The kids who get the most attention are either very high or very low achievers or behave in ways that scare other people. Just doing what you’re supposed to do and doing it reasonably well doesn’t get a lot of applause or a lot of concern. It’s not fair but it seems to be how it is. You like attention. You like excitement. But you haven’t found a way to be outstanding and haven’t found something to be so passionate about that it gives you the rush you crave. On top of that, it sounds like maybe you are dealing with some anxiety that is holding you back from getting out there in life to find what will energize you.
To up the excitement level in your life, then, you need to find an activity and people who do it. You can do that without risking your life or your health. You can do it without resorting to fantasy. As you rightly pointed out, self-harm and making up stories aren’t really satisfying methods. Cutting hurts. Internal stories are just that — internal. You need a project that grabs your attention and that makes you feel like you’ve done something significant.
For some kids, performing in some way does the trick. For others, pulling off a big art or science project is just what they needed. For still others, getting involved in a project or cause with people they admire is the antidote to life that is too ordinary.
I suggest you sit down in a quiet place and ask yourself what you would be doing if you weren’t anxious. Just let the ideas come. You will probably get at least a hint about a direction you can take. Then start taking some small risks. You could take on some backstage work if you don’t feel ready to perform. You could assist others in a project you believe in if you’re not ready to be a leader. You’ll get to know new people and you’ll develop new skills. Most important, you’ll be able to point to whatever it is and proudly say to yourself, “I helped do that!”
The world needs passionate people who are passionate about making change, seeking new discoveries and making new art. I hope you find an area that makes your heart sing and that lets you make a difference.
I wish you well.