I’m going to be sad and angry to the end of my days. I’m 44, female, divorced and getting fatter and lonelier by the minute. I’m employed but I suspect that some people (the ones with power) want me out and will push me out. They think I’m weak, disorganized and stupid (and I think I am as well). I’m a disappointment to my mother who only wants me to be married – she really wanted me to have kids but I screwed that up as well (i.e. I have no kids – one miscarriage and one abortion though). I’m taking wellbutrin, i’ve talked to doctors but nothing ever seems to change. Part of me would just like someone to be there for me but that would require me to be there for them – and I just don’t have the energy to do that nor the skills or ability – I would just ruin their life as well as my own.
Will things ever change?Will Things Ever Change?
Will Things Ever Change?
Writing us here is the first step toward making a commitment toward change. Change happens when we change. What I noticed in your description is that you see yourself as a disappointment at work, with your mother, and a potential disappointment to a partner. This is a pattern of thought that creates a belief system that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. The work is in changing your belief system so you stop from going into this downward spiral. One of the best books on the subject is by The Resilience Factor by Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte. This will help you challenge your thinking, for starters. It is superbly written and based on research. It will walk you through the steps of changing these belief systems. Second, I would begin working with a cognitive-behavioral therapist. You can find one in your area by clicking on the find help tab at the top of the page.