Many people your age or older are confused about sexuality. They don’t understand arousal and why they are attracted to certain people or objects. If you were to study human sexuality, you’d see that throughout history people have been aroused by unusual things.
One cannot consciously control what arouses them. If so, then it would be easy for a homosexual person to be heterosexual or for a heterosexual person to be homosexual.
Many people are aroused by and even masturbate to fantasies of things that they would never do. Most fantasies go no further than the confines of the mind.
Individuals who have been sexually abused as children often repeat that abuse as adults. Though you are attracted to young boys, you have never abused or harmed anyone. That is important to acknowledge. It is very commendable.
This problem falls in the realm of sex therapy. Sexual therapists study and deal with complex sexual issues. You should make an appointment with a sex therapist. Sex therapists are not judgmental. They understand the range of human sexual feelings. Sex therapy is very effective.
The guilt about your feelings is making you depressed. It is likely causing your suicidal thoughts. If you feel that you might harm yourself, then go to the hospital immediately.
Almost everyone who has attempted suicide and survived was glad that they had survived. Why? Because later their problems were solved. Your problems can also be solved. You are an excellent candidate for sex therapy. I hope you will consider it. Please take care.