I am a horrible person, but people still love me, I have a lot of friends and I don’t deserve them. I decided that my best friend deserves better than me, but she wouldn’t do anything about it so I ruined her birthday party the best I could. All she wanted to do was spend time with me and it was my goal to make her miserable. I’m selfish when things don’t go my way I get very upset. I am out of control, I know I shouldn’t treat her badly but when I’m doing it I can’t stop myself. My other friendships are suffering because I am abusing (sabotaging) them too. I don’t deserve this life. I want to be sad enough for suicide, but I am too happy, and have too much to live for. I have had a horrible procrastination problem since I was 7. I’m in college and it has only gotten worse. I used to be the nicest happiest person anyone ever met, but I am now abusive and horrible. I really want to stop this horrid behavior while a huge part of me doesn’t care and wants the worse for me. Whats wrong with me? I am so privileged and so unworthy. I feel numb and I want to feel bad, I don’t feel bad enough for my actions and it scares me. I don’t learn from my mistakes. I feel hopeless, I need help.Self-Sabotage
The kind of sabotage you are doing often comes from ambivalence. People will typically sabotage themselves when they are unsure about something: Chosen for something they do not want to be chosen for; being friends with someone they do not feel worthy of; asked to do something they do not want to do.
The work is on self-acceptance. You need to be happier with yourself so that you can allow others in. I would strongly encourage you to take up a practice of meditation. Sitting with uncomfortable thoughts and feelings and developing a tolerance for this tends to help. I would also encourage you to talk to a counselor at your college. This is often an excellent way to start to unravel the reasons beneath.