From the information that you have provided, depression seems like a realistic possibility. You have many of the signs; most serious among them are suicidal thoughts. Happy people don’t contemplate suicide. Suicidal thoughts should always be taken seriously. Undoubtedly, you should seek professional help.
You stated that you want to avoid psychotherapy. It may not be what you want to do but psychotherapy is necessary to treat your condition.
You should also consider medication. Millions of people have had success with antidepressant medication. Medication works best when the client is also in psychotherapy.
Acquiring psychological services typically begins by visiting your primary care physician. Report your symptoms and ask for a referral to a mental health professional. Typically, you will either be referred to a psychologist or a clinical social worker for psychotherapy services. Your primary care physician may prescribe an antidepressant or suggest that you seek specialized services with a psychiatrist.
Therapy is the perfect place to learn to overcome your shyness. Being reserved may be your description of an inability to open up to another. Being reserved and shy is not beneficial to you. It is problematic for almost all people who feel this way. Have you ever wished you weren’t that way? Without exception, every client of mine who has described themselves as you have would have answered that they wished they weren’t that way. That is was and has been a problem in their lives. Shyness is a fear. Generally, shy people have been hurt early in their lives, when they opened up to someone. They were ridiculed or made fun of. They may have been described as being “too sensitive.” Sensitivity, as we speak of it here, is a gift to poets, philosophers, writers and therapists. Being described as “insensitive” is an insult. You need to learn techniques and methods to deal with social interaction while fully maintaining your sensitivity. A good therapist can teach you exactly what you need to learn.
Please search my earlier posts for my advice on how to find a good therapist.
Little things, over time, can add up to full-blown depression. Thank you for writing and from one sensitive person to another, know that I am rooting for you.
If you have any additional questions, please don’t hesitate to write again.