I am sorry that this is happening to you. I can understand why you are frightened.
Your symptoms may be indicative of bipolar disorder with psychotic features. I can’t know that with certainty because only an in-person evaluation by a mental health professional could determine a diagnosis.
What is clear from your letter is that your symptoms are causing you a great deal of distress. At this point, you’re unable to control your symptoms. For those reasons, you should be evaluated by a mental health professional. A mental health professional could gather a detailed psychosocial history and determine what may be wrong and begin treatment immediately.
Your symptoms are frightening but they are treatable. In your case, a mental health professional is likely going to recommend both medication and psychotherapy. A low dose of medication might decrease many of your symptoms, especially the paranoia and anxiety. Medication can also stabilize your mood.
I hope you will consider my advice. It is especially concerning that you have contemplated suicide. Thankfully you stated that you will not end your life because of your mother but the fact that you were considering it is indicative of how much you are suffering. Please don’t hesitate to get the help that you need and deserve. There is no reason to suffer when excellent treatments are available that can decrease or possibly even eliminate your symptoms. Please take care.