First of all I want to apologize if my English is bad. I developed extensive fear of having/being on the onset of schizophrenia (and psychosis in general) after I read medical articles on the internet about symptoms of schizophrenia. I noticed that I sometimes hear “voices” in my head, more precisely in my mind, usually when I’m lying in the bed and waiting to fall asleep. Now I know of hypnagogic states and hallucinations and visions in half-sleep state, but my “voices” (which I do not actually hear, as if someone talk to me, but like inner speech in my mind) and closed-eye visualizations of vivid images sometimes occur when I’m aware that I’m still awake, sometimes even during the day, usually but not exclusively when I’m tired. I can describe my “voices” as thoughts of random (often nonsensical) short sentences or words that are usually non-related to the topic I think of at that moment. They come unexpectedly, I feel like I’m not choosing what is going to be “said”, but I know they are just thoughts and that they are produced by certain processes in my brain, even if I don’t understand how and why, and is having this condition sign of loss of mental health. I don’t believe that someone is controlling my mind, or that someone is putting those thoughts in my mind, or that I’m reading other people’s minds etc. I do not talk to these voices because I do not consider them to be entities which you can talk to. One of other problems I consider potential symptom of psychosis is that I often have very random and nonsensical inner speech, which I stop as soon I realize I’m having it. I am also occasionally paranoid, more precisely I get very anxious if there is any possibilities for something bad to happen to me, and I just can’t put those catastrophic thoughts out of my head, even being aware that they have low chances of happening. I have lot of irrational thoughts which I recognize as irrational. I was diagnosed OCD several years ago after I was being frightened for a months of possibility that I am bisexual (I could not explain to myself whether certain emotions I feel toward men were homosexual impulses or not, or whether I like these feelings and impulses or not). Now other therapist agrees that I have OCD but says that I also have borderline personality disorder. I occasionally doubt in my diagnosis and seek reassurance. I also sometimes doubt that maybe I did not exposed my problem to therapist on appropriate way, or that my therapist do not want to tell me my accurate diagnosis because I could be frightened of the fact I’m having/developing psychosis. The problem and anxiety is bigger if I more often think about “developing schizophrenia” ad vice-versa. I can feel ok for long periods of time, but suddenly one of those “voices” just appear in my head and I get really upset and I get anxious for days.
I know that there are lot of differences in between “my case” and typical schizophrenic/psychotic case, and I’m aware of my history of (predominantly obsessive) OCD, but I just can’t help myself to overcome this problem and live without these unusual worries. My therapist has prescribed me Rissar – 2mg; Rivotril – 2mg; and Cipralex – 10mg for dialy use .Thanks in advance.