You are likely experiencing a fluctuation in symptoms because you have stopped your medication. As you noted, medication can eliminate your symptoms but without it your symptoms will likely continue to be erratic and inconsistent.
You cannot tell what is real and what is not real. Your symptoms have already compromised your life and without treatment, they may become worse.
You might be frightened of medication, and in this case your doctor, but you should reconsider medication. The fact that you believe that your doctor is attempting to kill you is in all likelihood a sign of illogical thinking. Delusions are an incorrect or false perception of reality. You cannot succeed in the world if you misperceive it. It is imperative to seek the assistance of mental health professionals who can decrease your symptoms. You can also try new professionals.
You will then be better able to see that medication is necessary to eliminate your symptoms.
It seems as though you successfully took medication in the past and in all likelihood had a doctor whom you trusted. Perhaps your current doctor is someone with whom you’re not familiar and that is why you are frightened of him or her. Is there another doctor you can see?
Consider going to the emergency room and reporting your symptoms to the psychiatric staff. They may be able to provide medication that will help with your symptoms.
It is imperative that you seek treatment immediately. Your symptoms require medication and without intervention, you risk having a full-blown psychotic episode. I don’t mean to frighten you but this is a realistic possibility and one you should want to avoid. Please consider the advice I’ve given.