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Insecurity and Jealousy with Boyfriend

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I am a gay male who had my ex-boyfriend cheat on me a few years ago. I recently started dating a new guy about a year ago and initially I had issues with trust and I knew it was because of the cheating by the ex. I eventually got over that and we got along good for a while. However, as time went on, I got more and more insecure with him and jealous of everything he is doing with his friends etc. All I think about is how he is texting guys (and will sometimes lie about who he is texting) and he locks his computer and phone and everything so I can’t even use them. So I instantly assume he is hiding something. I tried to talk to him about this stuff, but he still says he isn’t hiding anything and isn’t doing anything bad. He also says I always interrogate him because I’m a cop.

I don’t know what to do anymore. My insecurity and suspicion is getting the best of me and the relationship and is making both of us miserable. How do I stop acting so insecure with everything in my life? I am insecure in all aspects of my life not just with him. Please help.

Insecurity and Jealousy with Boyfriend

Answered by on -


At this point I think you have a good handle on the behaviors that serve to activate your concern. I am encouraging you to do two things. First, I would make an appointment with a cognitive-behavioral therapist to help you with reframing your thoughts and reactions. It makes sense that you are being triggered by some of your boyfriend’s behaviors, but there is difficulty when you over-interpret. A cognitive-behavioral therapist can help you sort this through. Second, I would encourage you to make a couples therapy appointment for you and your boyfriend so that he is able to understand more of what he can do to help. You can get referrals in your area by clicking on the find help tab at the top of the page.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Insecurity and Jealousy with Boyfriend

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Insecurity and Jealousy with Boyfriend. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 24, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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