I imagine you are feeling guilty that you didn’t scream at him to stop. I want you to know that your reaction is common. When someone is violated by a person they trust, the response is often disbelief, bewilderment, and confusion. The perpetrator takes advantage of that. Some even then try to convince the victim that she consented to the situation because she didn’t say “no.” Some rely on the confusion of the victim to enable them to continue the abuse.
You mention that the event was only the first of situations that make you uncomfortable. Please don’t let yourself minimize what’s going on. This is sexual abuse. It is not normal. It is not okay. It is not something your brother can justify by some notion that he knows better than society. Regardless of what he thinks, he lives in a society where there are social rules and laws that protect children and teens from unwanted sexual advances.
The upset in the family that is likely to come from telling your parents doesn’t make you the person who “breaks the family.” Your brother already did that. How will you ever have the same relationship with him again? Why would you want to come home if you know he might be there? How will you manage to relax at home if you are ever alone with him? His actions have already changed how you feel about yourself and how you relate to him and your whole family. Your brother is unlikely to “outgrow” his attitude. The consequences of what he’s done won’t just go away if ithe problem is ignored.
Your parents can’t help you – or your brother – if they don’t know there is a problem. You owe it to yourself to turn to the parents who love you to tell them what’s been happening. You need support. He needs psychological help. Your family needs to heal.
If you are having difficulty talking to your parents, it might be helpful to share your letter and this response with them as a way to begin. Tell them that I strongly urge you all to get involved with some family therapy to help you manage the situation.
It makes me terribly sad and angry that you’ve been dealing with this for over a year. I hope with all my heart that you will reach out to get the help you need.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
