Hi, I have been dating my boyfriend for four months. This is the strangest relationship I have ever been in. He is super paranoid and carries a pistol everywhere because he has to be on alert in case something goes down. He doesn’t do drugs nor does he drink. He claims to be shy. He said he was from a satanic family and his father did terrible things to him and siblings. He\’s told me some and they were awful. He says he’s a nobody. He works then goes strait home and sleeps in total darkness all the time. Scared to go out in public. Refuses to talk on phone. Doesn’t like to text much. Just the basics. Doesn’t like company. I am not aloud to spend the night. We\’ve never had intercourse and he never fondles my in private area but he does touch and caress boobs and he\’s very passionate. He td me he has a fetish of likening blowjobs and I love giving them to him. But that\’s all he\’ll do! He takes everything I say as if I was fussing at him. I only try to talk to him; he takes it the wrong way. He has no vehicle nor does his brother. They are 40 and 41. Their apt is beyond nasty. I e offered to clean but was told no. Any time I offer to help in anyway I am told no. What\’s going on here? I love him more than I\’ve ever loved anyone. Please help.
The work here isn’t on what to do with your boyfriend, but to ask a deeper, perhaps more fundamental question: What do you get out of the relationship? Here is what you have listed:
He carries a gun everywhere
He is paranoid
He has severe family pathology
He is afraid to go out in public
He will not talk on the phone
He does not consider your sexual needs
He does not allow you to stay
He doesn’t want company
He doesn’t clean his home
He misinterprets your desire to help
The question is: What do you love and why? Rather than see him as someone who will change, ask yourself if you would stay with him if he remains exactly as he is. You did not mention anything about him changing, wanting to change, or being willing to change, so can you tolerate the status quo? I would encourage you to explore this with a therapist who can help you shed some light on your situation.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Paranoid Boyfriend. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 18, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/09/13/paranoid-boyfriend/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 13 Sep 2012) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.