As you stated, you “just don’t understand what to do or how to help yourself.” You have described the very feelings that should lead you into therapy. There’s no reason to be frightened of therapy. The job of the therapist is to assist individuals who are struggling with life problems. The best advice that I can give you is to seek professional help from those who are exclusively trained to deal with the very problems with which you are struggling.
If you had a legal problem, no one would expect you to represent yourself in court. It would be expected that you would seek the assistance of a lawyer. Likewise, when people are struggling with psychological problems, it’s expected that they should seek help from a mental health professional.
By waiting to seek help, you risk making your situation worse. Undoubtedly your partner is being affected by your emotional instability and anger, which has the potential to damage the relationship. Please consider seeking the help of a trained mental health professional. If you do so, it would be advantageous to choose a therapist who specializes in working with rape victims.
Leave it up to the therapist to make you comfortable and to help you to openly discuss your feelings. Don’t be afraid to try more than one. Choose the one who makes you feel the most comfortable and is the easiest to talk to. Studies show that this will be the most productive therapist for you.
Please take care.