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Partner is Insecure and Controlling

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My partner has expressed to me that he has been cheated on in past relationships, so I have tried to be understanding. He constantly questions me about where I am or who I’ve talked to or why my phone is turned upside down. In the beginning, every question he asked I would just answer thinking that I would be able to help him get over things from his past. But things just seem to get worse with me catering to this issue. The question started to come from nowhere, without an event or trigger that I could find. He says “I bet you talk to another man every morning before you talk to me”. He wasn’t able to let me know where this came from. Now I have refused to answer any question about anything just because I’m tire of it. Is this the right decision or should I continue to cater? Will it ever change or will this progress into abuse?

Partner is Insecure and Controlling

Answered by on -


I wish you were not having this issue with your partner. Having to answer endless questions about faithfulness can be very depleting. I think the issue needs to be approached from two perspectives. The first is to get in front of a couples counselor as soon as possible. The second is for each of you to have your own therapist. Your partner will need to learn about his insecurity and jealousy and that his attempts to control are likely to be part of a larger pattern of his behavior. You will need support as the two of you go through this. The couples therapy will be a place where your partner can hear from someone other than you that he has some work to do. My experience with this type of questioning is that it does not go away on its own and needs some professional intervention. The find help tab at the top of the page can direct you to therapists in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Partner is Insecure and Controlling

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Partner is Insecure and Controlling. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 18, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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