Don’t Know Who I Am
History: 3 yrs ago sister dies suddenly of pulmonary embolism only 4 months after giving birth to second child. 8 months later husbands mother who has MS is diagnosed with rare malignant brain tumor. 2 months later my husband has severe breakdown with thoughts and plan of suicide.
It takes about a year for his recovery–this experience was more traumatic than my sisters death. He was being reckless and severely depressed. However through his recovery, he lost over 150 lbs and discovered he has ADHD and is now being treated with Adderall.
Soon after my sister’s death, my husband and I began smoking a lot of marijuana- daily if not multiple times daily. This just recently stopped after experiencing too many negative side effects. I also tried Psilocybin mushrooms on 3 occasions and I feel like I haven’t been quite right ever since.
For about a span of 9-10 months after mushrooms I have had what I believe to be episodes if psychoses. Beliefs that I could understand God, that my husband was Satan or Jesus, that I was supposed to be the mother of the next Jesus. I also felt like I was receiving messages from almost everything-music, TV, movies etc. I used to meditate because i believed I was directly connected with God and could receive messages fom him. I was also very hooked on twitter and following the Arab spring and online hackers. This caused a tremendous amount of stress for me–several panick attacks and fear that I was being followed by CIA or FBI on a daily basis. I stopped smoking and am no longer doing any drugs. Nearly all of my symptoms have subsided–no longer paranoid or feeling as though I can receive messages. I feel that my personality has changed perhaps because of this.
Now my problem is that I have become incredibly selfish, negative and have been questioning whether or not I’m in love with my husband. I have found myself attracted to other men, but not acting on anything. I feel a disconnect from my husband so I think I’m seeking outside of my marriage for that reason. I have been open and honest with my husband about my feelings and he is sticking around, but I continue to hurt him. I don’t hurt him intentionally, but I say things I shouldn’t and am not thoughtful of his feelings as I should be. I feel empty inside and I feel like I hate myself. My husband has been such a great supporter of me; my best friend. I have consistently throughout our marriage been a de-supporter of him. I get upset when we don’t do things I want to do. I am a blamer. I am selfish and a coward. I am overly tearful and emotional. I want to change and have been working on myself, but I don’t feel like I have–I’m just going through the motions. I have been a horrible person for a while now and I don’t know what to do. I feel like I don’t care about anyone or anything. I have constant unwanted negative thoughts. I’ve not always been like this. And I don’t feel this is truly who I am.
I want to be the person I imagine… A great wife and friend. Someone with strong character and who is loving and caring.
Please help. I want to change, I have to change–my future depends on it. If I don’t change I know I will lose my husband and will probably leave my job. I hate this!!
Thanks for any advice!
A. You recently stopped using hallucinogenic drugs and your psychological symptoms have improved but I am concerned about your ability to judge your situation accurately. It was not that long ago that you were experiencing hallucinations, delusions, and extreme anxiety, symptoms most likely caused by hallucinogenic drug use.
Under the influence of drugs, one is not thinking clearly. Being “high” impairs one’s judgment. The use of drugs may also affect one’s future judgment. It may be that your judgment is currently impaired due to your past drug use.
You may be at a point in your life where you need to make changes. Before you decide what changes may be needed it is important that you verify whether your perception of your situation is accurate.
I would recommend seeing a therapist. A therapist is an objective, trained observer who can assess your judgment and assist you accordingly.
It is important that with everything you do, especially with regard to something as precious as your marriage, that you see reality clearly and make decisions accordingly. Otherwise, you risk significantly damaging your life. You want to avoid all mistakes, if possible. Seeing a therapist could help a great deal. Please take care.
Randle, K. (2012). Don’t Know Who I Am. Psych Central. Retrieved on June 25, 2017, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/07/16/dont-know-who-i-am/