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Obsessing about a Possible Affair

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A week ago I was 100% satisfied with my life, then I met a man who I have been hearing about for years. “You two should meet. You would so connect.” Well, they were right. We did connect. We’ve been communicating ever since – 7 days – via Facebook, email and then by phone. All appropriate… but I can’t get this guy off of my mind. It’s driving me nuts. I want to send him an email. I’m waiting to hear from him… but I know I don’t want this in my life. I am afraid and I am beyond distracted. I have two children and a husband and I’m truly afraid of what might happen. Even if nothing happens physically, this is messing with my mind. Is this real? Should I check it out and see this man again or should I stay far away? I want my peace back and I don’t want to hurt my family. Please help.

Obsessing about a Possible Affair

Answered by on -

A.

Here’s the deal: Everything I know about couples work and sexual affairs and emotional affairs and obsession can be boiled down to one truth. If the attraction is that powerful we can be sure of one thing: There is something not okay in the marriage. The attraction is a symptom, not a cause. I am not denying the reality of your feelings, but rather, asking you to understand that you can’t point the front wheels of a car in different directions and hope it will move forward. The first (and right now only) issue to think about is your marriage. This is difficult because it means asking yourself some tough questions about the strength of your relationship with your husband, a re-evaluation of your feelings for him, and an honest appraisal of what this new relationship gives you that you don’t have in your marriage. Depending on your answer to these questions, you may either want to start talking more to your husband or to a therapist. The find help tab at the top of the page can help you locate one in your area.

Depending how you answer these questions for yourself, you may want an individual or couples therapist.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Obsessing about a Possible Affair

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Obsessing about a Possible Affair. Psych Central. Retrieved on February 17, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/06/23/obsessing-about-a-possible-affair/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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