What a sad, sad story. I’m very sorry for the loss of your son. You did so much to save him but his problems were bigger than your love and help could conquer. And now you stand to lose your daughter and grandchild too. You must feel bereft.
All I have to go on is your letter so my guess may be far from accurate but I’ll give it a try: It sounds like your kids only know how to be too close or too distant. It seems like maybe you are doing the same by rejecting friends. Consider, please, if you and your kids know how to be connected with those you care about but still be your own separate self. If I’m right that maybe you don’t know how, there are only two ways to be in relationship – close to the point of a kind of co-dependency or distant at the cost of the relationship.
If that rings at all true, I suggest you find a trained family therapist (preferably someone who is familiar with Bowen’s work) to help you find new ways to relate to your daughter and your friends that allows for both individuality and connection. I realize this may sound like heady stuff. But I’ve seen families break apart when adult kids can’t find a way to be different from their parents (even a little) without going overboard or distancing. It’s as if they have to slam the door to feel like they have won their independence. Hurt parents then sometimes start slamming doors of their own and the breach gets wider and wider.
You can’t make your daughter come back to you. But you can learn some new skills for inviting her back into the fold in a way that feels safe for her – and for you and your wife. I hope you will look for a therapist to give you the support and coaching you need. You’ve already lost so much. I think you deserve to give this a try.
I wish you well.