I was raped by my psychiatrist in 1989, I kept it hidden away for 2 decades then on one day in one minute, it crashed in on me. Flashbacks, hallucinations, I just went into a free fall and tried to end it all several times. I don’t know how to get everything packed back away and locked back up, I know my doctors want me to let it out and a lot of it I have, but details pop up from hearing or seeing and sometimes smelling things. I also have DID and MDD w/psychosis. Sometimes I can feel the things he did, it was violent and long, so frightening to even type. He was so much bigger than me and knew me so well. He knew I’d never tell, he ruined me, but I’m responsible, I did something. I didn’t even see it coming, what an idiot. How do I put this away?Chronic PTSD
I’m sorry that this is happening to you. It is very difficult. You’re lucky to have support from mental health professionals. I don’t think you can “put this away.” Perhaps you are having memories of the events because you are psychologically ready to deal with them. It may not feel that way but there is a reason why you suddenly were able to recall the tragic event.
There is no easy way to deal with this problem. I would advise you to utilize the support of your mental health professionals as much as possible. Take it one day at a time. It may also be helpful if you joined a support group where there are others who have had a similar experience. Many people greatly benefit from support groups. They find it advantageous to be in the presence of others who can relate to their experience.
Try to refrain from saying negative things about yourself. Being raped is not your fault.
I hope that you’re able to get the help that you desire. It feels very difficult now because you are just beginning to deal with all that has happened but your life will improve with time. It has for many people and it can for you too. Please take care.