Carlos, it is important that you seek help. The way you are feeling is likely the result of depression. Individuals with depression have no energy, they lose hope, essentially they feel the way you do. Depression is clouding your judgment.
My main concern is that you have been thinking about suicide. Individuals consider suicide as a “way out.” Understandably, they want to stop the pain. They erroneously believe that the pain is permanent. It is not. It will go away and much quicker for people who choose to get help. Suicide is a tragedy for the victim and perhaps even more so for the family. It is truly a family tragedy.
Having a family member who has committed suicide also increases the likelihood that other family members will commit suicide. There is simply nothing good that comes from suicide. It is always the wrong solution.
Individuals with depression often have tunnel vision. They feel as though their life cannot improve. They don’t see that there is a future. That is simply not true. Realize that feeling as though your life cannot improve is a distorted view of reality.
Just nine months ago you had a plan. It is often the case in life that things do not go as expected. That is part of life. Many people make plans that do not turn out. Your life can change and improve. Millions of people with depression have changed and improved their life and you can too. There is help for you and there is hope.
I also strongly advise that you see a mental health professional as soon as possible. If you feel as though you may harm yourself, call 911 or go to the hospital. The hospital staff can protect you. The find help tab, at the top of this page, can help you locate a therapist. Don’t ignore your symptoms. Get help immediately. Please take care.