Thank you for writing. Although most of the letters to us here at PsychCentral are from young adults and teens, most of the people who came to the clinic where I worked were middle-aged. The difference between them and you is that they came to the clinic!
I wonder if you hate your life enough. You say you hate it but you keep doing it. I hope you get to the point where you hate it so much you will make yourself do something about it – like make an appointment with a therapist.
Real men do go to therapy. Really. I’ve seen many of them. I assure you, doing therapeutic work is not for sissies. It takes courage and perserverance. It takes the wilingness to be uncomfortable while you make change. It takes effort and commitment to follow through on insights and advice. As hard as it can be, you probably have what it takes to do it. You certainly won’t know until you try.
I wish you well.