I am very, very glad you contacted us. You wrote a very clear letter that explains your feelings well. You have far too much going on inside for a 15-year-old to deal with alone.
Many, many people write letters to us here at PsychCentral as a kind of rehearsal for what they wish they could say to their therapist or someone else. It’s a good use of this website. Sometimes writing can help a person organize their thoughts and pour out the feelings that are so difficult to express to someone in person.
Having done the rehearsal, it’s time to do the real thing. Please — take your letter to your therapist and share it. I assure you, most experienced therapists have seen some version of what you are describing and can handle it. If your therapist is young and inexperienced, she or he will get a consultation or will refer you to someone who can offer help. But neither scenario can happen if you don’t share your thoughts and feelings. We therapists only have what our clients tell us (and our observations in session) to go on. We can’t do our job without your help. It’s like one hand trying to clap.
You made an important start toward your own healing by writing your letter. Now please take the next step and show it to the therapist who wants to help you.
I wish you well.