You are not “crazy.” You have had and continue to have a very challenging life. Other people in a similar situation would feel as you do.
Always remember, feeling that something is hopeless does not in any way mean that it is hopeless. It is possible to improve the quality of your life but it will be much harder to do it alone. You would greatly benefit from the assistance and support of others. It is a major missing element in your life. I would recommend seeing a therapist and considering a grief support group.
If you are reluctant to seek professional help, please reconsider. Legal problems? Most people would hire a lawyer. Medical problems? Consult a physician. If the roof were leaking, one would hire a roofer. The same logic should apply with psychological problems. Therapists have expertise in the areas in which you are struggling. It would be wise to consult an expert in emotional problems.
You are not alone in how you feel nor are the experiences that you have had, unique to you. Life can be tough. Yours has been harder than what some others have experienced and better than what others have had to endure. Your pain is real and it can be lessened with the proper help and support. Please consider my suggestions.
I wish you the very best.
Dr. Kristina Randle