It sounds as though you may have depression. Many of your symptoms are characteristic of that disorder, including: sadness, low self-esteem, lack of motivation, crying spells, hopelessness, and suicidal ideation. All of your symptoms point to that as a real possibility.
You asked about what you should do. The answer is to seek treatment. Excellent and effective treatments exist for depression. Treatments include medication, talk therapy or a combination of both. You should consider entering treatment as soon as possible.
Feelings of worthlessness are common among people with depression. Feeling that way can make it difficult to be hopeful or encouraged about treatment. “Why bother?” you may think. Your may erroneously believe that attempting treatment would be a waste of time, or that you are not worth helping. The challenge becomes getting treatment, despite your negative feelings.
It is important to understand that depression clouds judgment. Abraham Maslow quotes the English psychoanalyst Money-Kyrle who believed that individuals with depression and related illnesses are “not emotionally sick” but “cognitively wrong.” In other words, individuals with depression are thinking incorrectly. They are not viewing reality clearly. Therapy could help to correct your thinking to make it more consistent with reality.
I hope that you will consider seeking treatment. Many people who have struggled with depression have made full recoveries. Don’t hesitate to write again if you have additional questions. Please take care.