It will soon be 4 months since my boyfriend and I have started a committed relationship together. The second week of our committed relationship he hooked up (kissed) with another girl, “twice” at his house party. However, I was there at his party and caught him hooking up with her outside (the second kiss). When he saw that I caught them he begged me to forgive him and she did as well. Later, after I had spoken to him of course, he told me he first hooked up with her in the kitchen in front of everyone (I was in the other room) and then proceeded to kiss me afterwards. He then followed her out to the porch and kissed her a second time. He was drinking that night and he said he was “very” intoxicated (he did not seem that intoxicated and if he was, it wouldn’t matter anyway). I asked him why he did it, but he said he did not know and it was stupid. He said if I didn’t catch him, he wouldn’t have told me because he wouldn’t have wanted to see me hurt (which is pathetic). Yesterday, I brought this up for the first time since it happened because I can’t seem to get it off my mind and to trust him. Eventually I got it out of him that he kissed her twice because he “could” and he was “horny.” I do not know if I should keep this relationship going if I do not trust him since it is only negatively affecting both him and myself at the same time. He really wants to prove to me that I can trust him again. I really want to trust him again. A relationship is held together with trust, communication, and respect. However, if there is one missing… the relationship is lost. Your insight would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time.
This is a very good question. It is both minor and major. Minor in the sense that it was an early transgression that was caught, discussed and hasn’t recurred. It involved kissing and ended there. In the world of complicated and frustrating relationships, this has hope.
You have made your case and he has heard you. What have you got to lose by letting him prove to you he wants to be in a committed relationship? See how you feel. If, after a bit of time you can’t feel his sincerity, it is best to move on. But you have both done what would be needed to be done to heal a relationship. Give it some time and see if it does. If your heart and mind won’t allow it, it is time to move on. You both deserve to have a relationship that you feel good in.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2018). Boyfriend Cheated. Psych Central.
Retrieved on December 9, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/12/03/boyfriend-cheated/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 3 Dec 2011) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.