I only make the effort to converse with someone if I feel like they are worth my time(most people I know, aren’t). I pretend I care about things around my friends. I hate it. I hate lying more than anything. I prefer being alone. It’s too much effort being with people. They’re so fake to me. I have no desire for romantic relationships and barely any for sex. While other people my age seem to be interested in relationships and drama, all I seem to be interested in is thinking and learning. I am far too open minded to the point where it actually disgusts me (or it feels like it should disgust me). I’ve lost people because of the way I am. Because I’m “different”. I have a fear of my ego. I try to die it down by constantly telling myself I am completely inferior to everyone else. I feel like I am inferior to everyone while still maintaining a giant ego. I constantly feel nothing. There’s nothing inside of me. I feel like a big blob of nothing. I have no sense of humor, no personality, no beliefs or principles other than truth. Truth is the most important thing to me. Another thing about myself, I constantly seek acceptance no matter how much I tell myself I don’t need it. I don’t enjoy talking unless it’s about something meaningful and, unfortunately, most people I know avoid meaningful conversations. I feel like a huge outsider. It’s nauseating. Every day is a struggle. I always worry over making sure I’m being truthful and honest. Observing people, it seems like they’re just taking life day by day and enjoying it while I’m sitting around worrying about every little detail and whether it’s “right”. Also, I’m very paranoid. I feel like everyone’s talking about me. Like everyone’s watching me. Just looking to see when I’ll make a mistake. If I hear someone laugh, I instantly assume that they’re laughing at me. I don’t get people. I sit around and observe them, trying to figure them out and wishing I could be like them. I take on different identities just trying to get it right. It doesn’t work out because I always realize I’m just ling to myself. I hate myself because I’m different. I wish I could be normal. No matter how much I despise what normal is in our society. Please tell me what I can do to make this better.I Live in a Fantasy World
I Live in a Fantasy World
Developmentally, you may be experiencing the “identity vs. identity confusion” stage. According to Erik Erickson’s psychosocial developmental theory, this stage generally occurs in one’s high school years. At this stage in life, individuals are attempting to find their own identity. This involves trying to fit in with other people, joining new groups or trying new activities. It is completely normal and healthy but it is can also be confusing and disconcerting. Generally speaking, being a teenager is difficult. That seems to be a universal experience.
What is needed more than anything in this situation is an objective third-party perspective. I would highly recommend seeing a therapist. A therapist can evaluate your situation and gauge your “normalcy” relative to others. A therapist can also provide guidance regarding social interaction and teach you how to successfully navigate the tumultuous teenage years.
If therapy is not an option, you could try other activities such as journaling or becoming involved in a hobby at school. Many people find journaling to be a therapeutic activity. Having a written record of your thoughts and feelings can provide valuable psychological insight. Beginning a new hobby is often a great way to connect with other people. Connecting with your peers can help to decrease your negative feelings. I wish you the best of luck.