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Are Children in My Future?

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for over six months. I am 27 and have no children. He is 43 and was married for several years. He has three children from his previous marriage. I get along really well with his kids. He and his ex-wife have equal joint custody. I have never dated someone with kids, and feel like I have been very open and understanding in regards to supporting him in his relationship with them. We do things with the kids, go to their sporting events, and spend as much time with them as possible. I have always assumed that I would have children, even though babies make me VERY nervous. I think mostly because of how fragile they seem and I am just now beginning to interact with them since the majority of my friends are getting married and having children. I have asked my bf if he was open to remarriage (which he said yes) and children came up. He is unsure if he wants to have any more kids. I cannot decide how I feel about this. I always assumed I would have children, and am afraid I would end up regretting the decision if I decided not to. The longer I am with him, the more involved I become in the situation. It now goes beyond him and I, the kids are attached. I don’t know if I should force the issue. He is also deploying next month (only for 6 months) and this is a difficult time for all of us. I feel a lot of anxiety towards the entire situation. I love him and am very happy being with him, but I don’t know if I want to make that type of sacrifice. I don’t know how to confront him about it or if I even should.

A: Thank you for taking the time to write us. It does seem like you will have some time to think about the situation. The first thing I would do is set up for some counseling while your boyfriend is deployed. There are many good reasons for this, not the least of which is the fact that this is a big shift in your relationship. This should give you a chance for deep reflection on the issue in his absence.

The military has wonderful counseling facilities that may be available to you. If they are not, you may want to use the “find help” tab at the top of the page to locate a therapist in your area. Sorting through your needs at this point in your relationship will give you some clarity.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Are Children in My Future?

Answered by on -

A.
Are Children in My Future?

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Are Children in My Future?. Psych Central. Retrieved on June 16, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/11/05/are-children-in-my-future/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.