Not every kid gets the family she deserves. Sadly, you are one of many, many people who were born to a family that doesn’t give her the emotional, psychologicial, and practical support she needs. The fact that you have grown to be the sensitive, articulate person you are in spite of it tells me that you have more inner strength and gifts than maybe you can even appreciate right now. Your sadness and distress are too much in the front. You’ve been told so often that things beyond your control are your fault that you’ve started to believe it. You are not at fault for people being sick and dying. It sounds to me that people who can’t cope with their own grief and responsibilities are shifting blame and shame to you.
In the States, there is a public service advertising campaign going on called “It gets better.” Celebrities and politicians are speaking out about how they were bullied for various reasons and how it got better once they got older. The message to people like you is, “Hold on. There’s hope. You’ll grow up and grow away from your current situation. It gets better.” It does. College isn’t high school. The adult world isn’t either. Once out of your family, you can make the kind of family you want.
So hold on! Depriving yourself of food won’t help you. You need your strength. Not sleeping won’t help you. You need your rest. Hurting yourself won’t help you get to a better place either. Instead, turn that self-destructive energy into motivation to get out of there. Go see your guidance counselor. Look for scholarships and grants that will get you to school in a year. Get a part-time job if you can and start saving your money. If your resume is weak, get yourself into some extra-curricular activities that will make you attractive to schools. Grades not good enough? Look for a “gap year” experience away from home. There are exciting, and subsidized, service opportunities out there. You’ll get a year away from your hometown and some money to help pay for school. Colleges look favorably on someone who has done a gap year as well.
I’m glad you’ve ruled out suicide as an answer. Saying “yes” to life is the first step. Now gather your resolve to take charge of your life to make it better. You can do it. You’ve managed to survive this long. Now it’s time to do better than surviving. With some effort on your part, you can be in an entirely different place next year. You can make a new start and a new life. You’re almost there. You can make it better.
I wish you well.