Did you see the movie Avatar? In it the main character sleeps and goes to a perfect world called Pandora. So he’s blue and huge. It’s worth it to him because people are so much kinder there than in his real life. But that’s a movie! Someone made it up.
It sounds to me like you’d like to live in that movie life. Who wouldn’t? Pandora is a perfect place with perfect people who live in harmony with everything around them. But a movie is fantasy. Life is real – and less than perfect. Whatever your confusions, worries, and problems are, you can’t escape them by going to your dream world. You need to deal with them so you can find a good world (not perfect but certainly more than good enough) while you are awake.
Please listen to your doctors. Go to the groups offered in the hospital. Work with your therapist. The fact that you wrote to us here at PsychCentral tells me that you are starting to come to terms with this reality. Good for you. Now take the next steps and talk to your therapist about just what it is that makes this world so hard to deal with that escaping into fantasy looks like a better choice than making a life.
I wish you well.