It would have been helpful to have had more details about your “disturbing” thoughts. I do not believe that your thoughts are the main problem; it is the shame that you feel about those thoughts that prevent you from properly dealing with this problem. Shame has prevented you from detailing your thoughts in an anonymous letter. It also stops you from seeking professional help.
You are ashamed of your thoughts because of a belief that they portray you in a negative light but the reality is that you have no control over them. Would you feel shame if your appendix burst or if a heart valve malfunctioned? No one should feel shame in those situations because there was nothing that they could have done to have prevented these physical problems. The same logic applies to your thoughts. If you had the power to control your thoughts, you would. You would just stop thinking negative thoughts. You have tried doing just that but it hasn’t worked. You should not blame yourself for something that you have no control over. Trained professionals understand the nature of psychological problems and they can help you with your problem.
You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not to blame. Continuing to blame yourself will only prevent you from receiving the psychological help that could cure this problem. My advice is to see a therapist and to be as honest and as detailed as possible. The sooner that you receive help for this problem, the quicker it will be remedied. Click the “find help” tab, at the top of this page, to locate a qualified therapist in your community. I wish you the best of luck.