Home » Relationships » Sexuality » Not sexy

Not sexy

Asked by on with 1 answer:

I am a young woman in my prime….and I can’t be sexy. I find that whenever my boyfriend and I are trying to be intimate I don’t see myself as sexy and I have very low self-esteem. I can’t bring myself to talk during sex even when my partner asks me to say something sexy and while I do enjoy sex I just don’t feel it. I feel silly and embarrassed of my own sexuality and it really is taking away from our sex life.
Please help!

Not sexy

Answered by on -


I can understand why this would be difficult, but maybe you are trying too hard.

I would encourage you to experiment with trying only one thing differently. Don’t try to change who you are all at once. Experiment with saying one thing, wearing something different, using different lighting, or choosing new music, but don’t try to do it all at once. Often major changes have to evolve developmentally. This means small steps rather than huge leaps work best.

Experiment with the one change for a while until you feel ready to try the next thing. The way to change is building skill and readiness. Taking one event at a time may help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Not sexy

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Not sexy. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 24, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
Published on Psych All rights reserved.