I’m not sure if I have a mental problem, and this is the closest I can come to figuring it out. I have a lot of weird things happening to me, here’s what they are.
-I cannot talk to people at all. It is extremely difficult to leave my house for this reason. If someone asks me if I want to go outside, the anxious feelings begin from there, and then get worse and worse as it gets closer to going outside and when I do go outside I get feelings of anxiety, nausea, heart racing, shaking hands, worried thoughts that people will laugh at me, stare at me, etc. and a lot of the time, I chicken out and stay inside. I can’t even sit on my porch or go in my backyard without these feelings. I had no friends in high school for this reason. I was awkward and had no social skills, no idea of eye contact, and no conversation skills. I worried the whole school day that every person who passed me was laughing at me. Because of all this anxiety, I began to have a strange demeanor. I would be stiff from head to tow, whenever I walked passed people I would “forget” how to walk normally and it felt like I was wearing cement shoes, I looked down because I “didn’t know where to look” when walking through the halls. I ended up staring at people in the eye. I also ended up staring and it felt like I was in a dream, like it wasn’t reality. I got this weird glaze in my eyes, some people said it looked like I was on drugs or that I was zoning out 24/7. In class I became so uncomfortable that I remained in the same position for the whole class period. I would be like a statue and almost never move. Before I moved, I obsessively planned how to move and how to place my hands, my feet, etc. I pretty much lost all that “naturalness” that humans have, before I made any movement I had to plan it. I also analyze a lot. How people look at me, how they say it, everything has a meaning to me so I notice things that most people don’t because of this. Weird thing is, I am like a social butterfly around only my family and have none of these symptoms with them.
-I also get really mad at people, then really happy at other times. After I get mad, even for the smallest things, I feel terrible for yelling at them. Other times I’m extremely happy and feel hopeful.
-I think people can read my mind. I tell myself it’s so stupid to think like this but still feel its true. I feel my prior bullies from school hid cameras in my house and watch my every move. I feel like they can see everything I do on the computer.
-I am very paranoid. I think my siblings always talk about me. I think everyone, including my extended family hates me because I act in that weird, uncomfortable, awkward way around him or her. I think every person in every car that passes by is staring at me through the rearview mirror or side mirror.
-I’m pretty sure I feel depressed a lot. It comes and goes each day. I get intrusive thoughts. I think bad things about my religion and family and these thoughts deeply disturb me. I get really upset when these thoughts pop in my head. I get some odd like symptoms when I get these thoughts to prove that I don’t believe these thoughts. Like entering a room over and over until the intrusive thoughts stop.
-My confidence in myself is always really low. I don’t think I can accomplish anything. I can never take any criticism, when I get criticized I get pretty depressed.
-I feel like any emotion is stupid. I feel embarrassed and stupid when I feel anything, happy, sad. I can’t even stand it when people congratulate me; I get uncomfortable when they do. I hate to cry and try to hold a lot of emotions in.
Please let me know if I do have any mental condition. I think knowing I have something would be a step to change my life, and I cannot go to a therapist due to my fear of going out.