I don’t think it matters what you call it. The fact is that what you’re doing is jeopardizing your chances of finding a stable, loving relationship based on mutual love and regard. It also may be undermining your recovery.
You are dealing with a lot. It makes a kind of sense that part of you wants to heal and part of you may be frightened to really touch the feelings that you need to explore in order to do it. So you go to therapy twice a week to figure things out and rebuild healthy self-esteem but then go off with these men to distract yourself and find an ersatz self-esteem based on power. Your fear is keeping you stuck.
I’m very glad you are seeing a therapist. Please talk with your therapist about this ambivalence. Working it through may lead to an important breakthrough in your work together.
I wish you well.