I’d recently been surfing on this site when I came across a disorder called, “Dissociation Disorder”. I know that I am young and I take that into consideration. (13 in a few days–also, I have dyslexia, so I might misspell some words) I don’t know whether it’s just me being extremely forgetful or this. I think maybe it’s the fact I tend to get lost in thought about my problems, like it says on the article, causing me to have gaps in my memory. I constantly think about my problems and sometimes my heart goes wild and my guts twist crazy when I think about it and I can get angry. I sometimes brood over certain problems constantly, pushing me deep into thought.
But I really don’t think that’s it. I have huge gaps in my memory. I can barely remember yesterday. Or the day before. I wonder if it’s just me being forgetful or I’m just brooding over this as well.
The main things I usually think about is past conversations I’ve had with my girlfriend. “Us” talks. I try to be mindful of her problems and life but usually just get too sucked up into my own and not noticing when she’s sad or mad. She is Bi-polar and has recently stopped cutting. We haven’t gotten to talk lately because of it being summer so I have nothing else to think about BUT this stuff. So, what has been bothering me is the fact that she’s called me inconsiderate and I can’t stop thinking about it. Another time she’d told me she can’t trust me when I tell her that I’m okay because I’ve lied about being okay before. I hide my emotions as best as I can. I just want people to see me as strong, and happy. These two things she’s told me, I cannot stop thinking about. It’s gotten to the point I feel like she doesn’t want me anymore, I’m useless and un-trustworthy, etc. Usually work/games takes these things off my mind.
Also, I’m ADHD, I have to constantly move even when I’m playing games. I get extremely guilty when I eat. I’ve even, at one point just avoided food all together. My friend had me start eating again and since it’s summer, I have nothing to do, I’ve been eating more than ever. My self-esteem is at an all-time-low and I’m starting to consider not eating again. It’s not even because of my partner, it’s because I want to please ‘myself’. I hear myself, but it refers to me as ‘you’. This confuses me to why it would refer to me as someone else. I’m average weight but every time I look in my damned mirror, I think I look pretty but I need to get just a tiny bit more skinny and when I do, I want to even more and it’s really scaring me.
Well anyways, I’ve just explained practically everything going on and I really don’t know how I’ll put this in ONE category. If you really do end up answering, I wish to give you a big thank you.
So, Thank You.