About a year ago I had an affair with a girl that I have broken off and had no contact with for said time. I have done everything in my power to prove to my girlfriend that I’m faithful now. Almost on a daily basis she accuses me of doing stuff behind her back to the point that I’m ready to leave her.
She gives me almost no love and affection, which is what made me stray in the first place. She often criticizes me and makes fun of me publicly. She also is in a foul mood often and not enjoyable to be around.
The worst part is the almost constant daily attacks I receive from her. She calls me a liar and a scumbag often as well. I’m very unhappy and lonely.
Here’s the main question I want answered. This morning my phone rang and woke me up. I didn’t recognize the number so I let it alone. She was still sleeping or so I thought so I wrote her a not and told her I was going to the bank. I want gone more than 30 minutes. When I arrived back home she began to give me the 3rd degree about the phone call and accused me of sneaking out of the house. As it turned out I called the number back in front of her and it was her job that had called me looking for her. Yet she still says I snuck out of the house. I asked her did she think it was wrong to accuse me of something I didn’t do and she said no. She never admits when she’s wrong and blames me for everything.
I appreciate your letter and hope I can offer some perspective.
You most likely cheated on her because the relationship was not fulfilling. You need to be more direct about your disappointments and concerns if the two of you are going to continue. In fact, this will be important in any future relationship. Tell her that her behavior toward you is not acceptable, and that you cheated because you weren’t happy with her. Then be clear about what the lack of happiness with her was about.
You need to develop a clear, strong voice so you don’t have to act out through an affair.
But be prepared to walk away from the relationship if you don’t have an equal partner. Until you have a voice to explain your disappointments, you won’t have a relationship that is balanced. A couples therapist may help. The find help tab at the top of the page will give you information for one in your area.
Couples need time to heal after an affair, but understanding the root cause and healing that is what is most important for the future.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Lack of trust. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 26, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2011/04/10/lack-of-trust/
Last updated: 8 May 2018 (Originally: 10 Apr 2011)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.