I am a college focused girl and to others, it may seem that the only troubles in my life are balancing Advances Placement classes. In the past year, however, I have been encountering many signs of Borderline Personality Disorder in my behavior which seem to be rapidly growing in frequency and magnitude.
I am usually in a state of content or maybe a mild depression. It tends to worsen on stressful or bad weather days. My first sign of mental abnormality was the irrational fear of tornadoes of couple years ago, although I don’t know if that denotes any real correlation with BPD. I have an ustable relationship with my mother, who seems to have irrational anger and criticizes the smallest things, routinely saying I will never be as good as she is. She give little praise on my academic achievements, which hurts my already low self-esteem. In March of 2010, I kept having a aching feeling of emptiness and detachment. When I would become frustrated with myself or situations harming me that I could not change, I’d dig my fingernails into my scalp and arm. As it worsened, I felt claustrophobic in a way. I felt the need to get out of my own skin. The episodes would occur suddenly and would pass in an hour or two.
Eventually, my boyfriend found out, and somehow worsened the situation. Approximately 85% of the freakouts happen in his presence. When I am upset about a trivial matter, something seems to take over me. I feel like I am being purposely difficult, although I am in my right mind. I start to blame him for everything, punching walls, hurting myself, screaming at him to get out. But as soon as he does, I call him and tell him that he is horrible for leaving me, and sometimes have subtly threatened suicide. I calm down with time, being held by him, or occupying myself with something else. It’s just awful.
I was curious if this does indeed sound like BPD so I could research coping methods. I unfortunately could not see a psychiatrist or psychotherapist for the next 11 months until I turn 18, because my mother does not believe I may have an actual illness. She only believes I am a drama queen. Your input and advice is vital to me. Thank you.