Hello Daniel. I am sorry you are experiencing so much distress. You should know that you are not alone in your struggles. There are others who also feel they were born the wrong gender. Some experience this so strongly that they undergo major surgery to change their assigned sex. Transgender is the generic term used to describe individuals who do not feel comfortable with their assigned sex. Transexual is the general term used to describe individuals who have undergone gender reassignment surgery. The surgery allows them to become the gender they believe they were meant to be but is it a major life decision. Middle Sexes is an informative HBO documentary that describes the issues faced by members of the transgender and transsexual community. I show it in my social work classes to help students deepen their knowledge about the complexities of gender. You may be able to view the documentary in segments on YouTube.
At this point in time you need resources and support. This would include reading educational material and receiving counseling from mental health professionals who are trained to deal with gender–related issues. Specialists are often referred to as “gender therapists.” Many communities have transgender resources. I would suggest doing a Google search for “transgender resources” and the name of your community. You may also want to view the following Internet resources which may help you locate assistance in your community.
The last link may be particular useful because it lists some of the biggest transgender resources throughout the states. It is important that you receive support. Without it you may continue to struggle. I hope you’re able to access the help and support that you need. Please take care.