I was a strong, athletic, patient, confident, intelligent 20 year old with the potential to achieve greatness. I had the ability to talk to anyone, confront any adversity, I was optimistic and more importantly, I was a fearless alpha male type.
5 years later & I hate myself. I’m now 25. I have lost all my patience, I am almost always nervous. I get panic attacks on a regular basis. I am severely overweight, suffer from insomnia and sleep deprivation, get chest pains, stomach and headaches daily. I don’t like my friends or family and rarely spend any real time with anyone.
I have gone from being a highly focussed and decisive individual to something of a frightened grasshopper. I cower from decisions and hop haphazardly even in the simplest of tasks like for eg, organising the garage or tidying my office. I cannot visualise the solution anymore, my mind has a fuzzy idea of all things involved and it jumps between them starting all of them and completing none.
I feel like I have become agoraphobic, constantly afraid that people around me are dangerous and may hurt me at any moment. I take every incident so harshly that I cannot accomplish anything sometimes; just the other day I had a credit card application rejected and I began to cry believing that it had to have been personal. I can no longer handle simple situations in the workplace or at home, I lose control and begin to sweat. I feel my heart beat speed up and my head starts pounding. I become mute, so fearful that at any moment I will start to hyperventilate or cry, as is often the outcome.
Overall I am exhausted. I cannot take criticism, I am often suspicious and paranoid. I have issues communicating with everyone and I constantly attribute blame to the other party. I snap and yell at my wife and parents. I feel so afraid speaking to people in the wrong way that I take my leave regularly just to avoid it.
I saw a psychiatrist a couple of years ago for these issues, he diagnosed me with depression and anxiety and proscribed two different meds. Medication and therapy did not help me at all and after 9 months I quit them both.
I had bad reactions to the drugs and my Doctor, whom I believe to be very well qualified and experienced and was easy to talk to, did not help. I was an active patient and having also spoken to two other therapists, I don’t know who I can consult to feel better. Am I doomed to spiral further out of control? I just want to be healthy, to deal and express with my emotions in a positive way, to not be terrified of strangers and criticism and decision making.
I don’t allow myself to wallow in self pity for too long but I have noone that I can talk to and nothing that I feel I can do. Please give me some real practical advice.