Actually, I’m not going to tell you you didn’t date long enough before getting married. You love each other very much. Your husband has taken on the role of being a parent to your children. You got your children out of a dangerous situation and you are now offering them a healthier role model for what a marriage should be. This all sounds very positive to me.
I think your other guess may be more on target. Why on earth would you trust being happy? You’ve been through so much. The man you loved enough to marry turned out to be dangerous. The man you dated for awhile couldn’t take the stress of the situation and left. My guess is that there is at least a part of you that is waiting for your husband to turn on you too. Unable to take the tension, you might provoke the very thing you fear – just to get it over with.
Here’s the thing: You married a man who is 50. He isn’t that old but he is old enough to have some sexual performance issues. On top of that, he is working very hard to help you support the family financially and emotionally. He’s probably tired at the end of the day. He is also dealing with your disappointment that he isn’t able whenever you are willing. Fearing he’ll be a disappointment guarentees that he will be.
My suggestion? Slow way down. You two are still “dating” even though you are married. Try to let yourself rest easy in the love and care of someone who loves you enough to take on this whole package. There are many, many men who wouldn’t. If it’s possible, carve out some time for just the two of you to relax and snuggle each evening – with no expectation of sex. Just enjoy the luck of having found each other at this stage in your lives. If possible, find a way to have the house to yourselves now and then for some private intimate contact. Just enjoy getting to know each other’s bodies. Pleasure each other with back rubs and caresses. My guess is that if you can stop feeling defensive and “rejected”, and can instead focus on appreciating all you have, he will be able to relax and regain his sexual abilities.
I wish you well.