…to hold on to …I am struggling at the moment and yet I am aware that I should be feeling good. I am drawing to the end of a course of cbt, and I have benefited a great deal from this – my therapist was great, but not enough. I think my hopes and expectations at the outset were wrong – I really hoped that I would come out and things would be sorted, but of course they are not.
The problems that were there before are still there now, although I do have a few more strategies for dealing with them and I have a better understanding of where they came from. Work and work-associated stress are major issues, but in the current job climate there is not chance of changing that. Loneliness and a need to be loved is another issue, and whilst I am going out a little more than I was a year ago this is never easy – my teaching job seems to take over all of my life (not just at school) and I am constantly exhausted. I have only two relationships behind me – both significant, but no marriage and only ever at a distance – I keep my distance from men on the whole (even people), so where other people may have as many failed marriages that is the sum total of my relationships. I have explored fertility treatment because I was so desperate to have a child of my own, but so far treatments have both failed and been interspersed with the need for various gynaecological operations.
I am currently on another waiting list for a further round of treatment, but I am trying to come to terms with the fact that at 46 it is highly unlikely that it will be successful. I do have a history of depression, hence the cbt, but since I have been pursuing fertility treatment I have not had anti-depressants. Right now I am at another low. The thought that this is as good as it gets (and it isn’t good) is taking over. Work will not improve. Fertility treatment will not be successful. As of 3 weeks time there will be no further counsellor support. My diabetes is throwing up more and more issues and though pretty well controlled for the past 30+ years has me increasingly concerned about kidney malfunction, eye-sight, neuropathy and issues such as gangrene. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to get old. I don’t want my family to die although we are not terribly close. I don’t want to be on my own. I don’t want to have to keep struggling with this life I hate. So where do I look? How can I find something to hang onto that will help me through this?