This sounds very painful, John. It is good you took the time to write us.
Unresolved grieving can last a very long time and there can be many reasons why someone hasn’t moved on. It is too difficult to tell from what you’ve said if you are the scapegoat for these unresolved feelings, or simply the safest person she has to express them to. In either case the length of time warrants a change. I recommend three things.
First I would begin to set limits on what you tolerate of her behavior. Grieving doesn’t give someone the right to be continually hateful for as long as they wish. I encourage you to set a limit and to find some support for yourself as you learn to do this. The “find help “ tab at the top of this page will get you to someone in your area.
Secondly, try to get yourselves in front of a couples counselor so the issue can be mediated by a third party. Often the emotions during this time can be overwhelming for a couple to deal with on their own.
Finally, see if there are grief counselors and groups in your area. Typically a local funeral home or community hospital will have resources that are specialized and regularly available. Offer to go with your girlfriend so that both of you can learn about moving through this together.