The person you most need help from right now is yourself. It sounds like there are many people in your life, both personal and professional, who have tried to be supportive. But your fear of taking hold of life seems to be bigger than your desire for friends, love, or success on the motocross course. I don’t know what scared you so much but I do know that Dmx isn’t the answer even though it can make you feel better and even make daydreams feel very real. But at some point, you come down and there you are – in exactly the same place you were when you “left.” I think you deserve better than temporary fantasies.
A guy who can be a motocross rider already knows how to meet challenges, deal with the unexpected, go around obstacles, and learn from mistakes. Use the skills and courage you’ve learned on the course to take you forward. However much you’ve “screwed up,” you are far too young to sideline yourself. Get back on the bike called life and ride.
If you need another hospitalization to give yourself a fresh start, there’s no shame in that. Get off the drug. It’s not helping you. Get out of your room. You’re not going to meet anybody in there. And start taking the steps you need to take to make something real – like studying for your pro license. I’m assuming you have a therapist. If you don’t – get one and accept some coaching. It will be hard to make changes but you’ve already shown you’ve got what it takes to control self-destructive impulses and to keep commitments. Build on that.
I wish you well.