Your mother physically, psychologically and emotionally abuses you. In addition, she is teaching you that violence is okay. Whenever you become upset or angry, you either react with violence (i.e. throwing things or punching holes in the wall) or physically harm yourself. Your reaction is understandable, given the situation but it is important to recognize that violence, in any form, is never acceptable.
When you are upset, angry or anxious, it is important that you have alternative ways to handle your feelings. Physical violence and self harm are maladaptive reactions. Consider the following alternatives:
- remove yourself from the source of the anger
- punch your pillow, instead of the wall
- watch television
- listen to music
- call a friend
- write your feelings in a journal
- engage in deep breathing exercises
- engage in intense physical exercise
Your mother’s abuse is unacceptable. Child abuse, in any form, is against the law. Child Protective Services (CPS) could assist you. I would suggest that you call them and discuss your situation with them. CPS can help you find alternative living arrangements which may include moving in with your older sister. They can also help you access counseling and other necessary psychiatric treatments. The fact that you are considering suicide is indicative of how serious your situation has become.
Calling CPS might also force your mother to seek help for her alcoholism. I understand that reporting your mother may be very difficult. I worked with many children and teenagers who suffered greatly at the hands of their parents but who were very resistant to reporting the abuse to the proper authorities. On one hand, they were very upset with their parents. They were abused and harmed by them. They were very resentful of their parents. On the other hand, they were protective of their parents and didn’t want them to be punished. You may not want your mother to get into trouble but she is abusing you. Her behavior is causing you significant psychological, physical and emotional harm. It is unfair to you and it needs to be stopped. To find the phone number for your local CPS, do a Google search for “child protective services” and the name of your state.
If you are unwilling to report the abuse to CPS, then you should strongly consider living with your sister or another trusted relative, if possible. Another option is to speak to someone at your school. It could be a guidance counselor, a teacher, the principal, the school nurse, etc. These individuals are trained to intervene in abusive situations. In addition, they may also help you access counseling. I believe you could greatly benefit from outside help.
I hope that you will consider one of the aforementioned options. Your home environment is toxic. It is driving you to consider suicide. It is a very serious situation that requires a significant, positive change. If you feel that you cannot control your behavior or that you may harm yourself, call 911 or go to an emergency room. The hospital can keep you safe. The hospital can also help you access psychiatric services. You can also call the national suicide prevention hotline at 800-273-8255. You need to reach out for help and I hope that you do so. Please take care.