I am glad that you are making an effort to reach out and seek some help. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you find a counselor in your area. See if you can negotiate a sliding scale fee where the co-pay can be reduced. You may also want to look into the offerings at your local hospital for an outpatient program that will accept your insurance. I mention this first because you will need to have therapy to go through the changes I am suggesting.
I can’t give you legal advice, but I can encourage you to seek several opinions. Your wife wants you to leave and you are looking to do the right thing—so the question becomes how to make that happen. Your wife may want to get the names of some lawyers from the local women’s center. Often lawyers connected with a women’s center are savvy when it comes to helping with legal issues surrounding separation and divorce. You need someone with a great deal of experience legally in this area and getting more than one opinion is important. Often psychological needs and legal issues clash, but you won’t be the first couple to be in this dilemma. Learn how others have found a legal way through. Otherwise the situation tends to get worse as couples marinate in their own negativity. Let’s not wait for something drastic to happen before making a change that sounds necessary.
People who continually lie to others are usually lying to themselves. It sounds like you need to start taking much greater responsibility for yourself, your situation, your children’s future and your own. Ask yourself what your truth is and begin with that.