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Am I safe from him?

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I have been married to my husband for six years. Three years ago he’s physically abused me about 4-5 times. He blamed it on the alcohol and I’ve felt it was my fault as well because I provoked it. I’d always get angry with him for getting drunk and coming home late. I was getting tired of it and I always told him I was going to leave. But every time I tried to walk out that door he’d hurt me in so many ways. The abuse has stopped now and we are fine. Things are perfect between us but I’m he will go back to his old ways. He still drinks but not as much as he used to. Recently he told me he wanted to start a family with me. Also, just this past week he has shown signs of jealousy. I think it’s because I am going out more and I have more friends. Prior to this I would only go out with him. He tells me it’s fine that I go out and have a good time but when I come home late he’d question me as if I was having an affair. I love him and I would never do anything to hurt him. Please help me understand what my relationship can lead to. Am I safe? Thank you for reading and sharing your advice.

Am I safe from him?

Answered by on -


I am glad you have written and have asked the question. The short answer to your question is “no.” You are not safe. There are three things that prompt me to be so direct.

First, your husband displays a very particular profile of men with anger management issues which involves alcohol / drug abuse, jealousy, and a history of being physically abusive. This is a VERY difficult pattern of behavior to change. It requires a significant amount of desire and commitment to therapy and recovery. While I am glad that things are okay, I know how difficult it is for true change to happen for men with anger management problems.

You did not mention any treatment for your husband like AA or an anger management group. He cannot make any significant gains if he continues to drink. The alcohol is both a mask and then a lit fuse for his unresolved anger.

Finally, he blames you and doesn’t take responsibility for his own behavior. Adding a baby to the mix is likely to increase his stress. The barometer will be his signs of jealousy and then increased drinking. With other men like your husband it is typically only a matter of time before abuse happens again.

The real work here is for you to get some support. Your community should have a women’s center. Please call them and start counseling with them. Explain what is happening so that you can get some support. This organization can help you find a women’s center nearby.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Am I safe from him?

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2018). Am I safe from him?. Psych Central. Retrieved on May 20, 2019, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 May 2018
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 May 2018
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