Or maybe some other type of disorder? I am currently a freshman in high school. You could say i’m smarter than your average kid, i could explain Einstein’s theory of relativity to you, and i’ve been told i have a very powerful voice in my writing. I can grasp concepts easily which makes it quick for me to catch on to things. I don’t think i’d be socially considered a nerd. i wear all those name brands, and i have an outgoing personality. I live in a shell of someone i am not. I act like a happy, self confident, but inside, I’m just the opposite. I’ve been living in this shell forIi don’t know how long. After a while, I started to believe it myself. I thought that if i bottled everything up inside that eventually the depressed, lonely me would go away. I went through nothing but pain, in trying to hide myself for so long, that the pain became the only secure feeling I ever felt. it still is. When I got with my second girlfriend, I thought I loved her, and the happiness was so foreign that i’d do stupid things so she would get mad and i’d feel the pain again. Now i’m concerned that the lust for pain is taking over me. I have suicidal thoughts almost everyday. I wish that I could take my own life, but i know that i’d hurt my parents and my sister too much. I just want the pain and the happy to switch so I can be normal. I’m sorry if i’m wasting your time with bratty teenage over exageration, I don’t like complaining when my life could be so much worse, but i have no where else to turn. this is the first time i speak aloud to anyone what i’m really feeling inside. On top of this, i think i have add, or, if it actually exists, ADHDPI. I have a very difficult time focussing, all the time. whether it be in class, at home, anywhere. i often zone out, and just stare, almost like i’m asleep, but i’m awake. i don’t usually think about anything, so i’m not daydreaming, although i do do that from time to time, but i don’t fall asleep. i guess i relax, and my eyes don’t focus in on anything, and i don’t retain anything i’m hearing. i also have a very bad short term memory, for instance, my mother will tell me to collect all the dirty dishes from upstairs. i’ll go upstairs, but then forget what i was suppossed to do once i get in my room. i get sidetracked VERY easily. my household nickname is sidetracker, because i can get sidetracked by almost anything. i have little to no self-generated motivation to do anything. because of all this, my grades in school are suffering. i have a lot of missing assignments that i get done right before the end of the grading cycyle and barely pass, even though i’m capable of doing the work. i act almost like a therapist to the people i call my “friends”. i listen to their problems and give them advice that almost never fails. i’ve never broken my confidentiality rule and told someone else their problems, but every time i try to get help by telling them a little secret of mine, it’s the latest in lunch room gossip. i thought i was strong enough to bottle everything up inside but i guess not. again, i apologize if i’m wasting time, i know there are worse off people, especially on this site.