I have many friends and a huge family but I have none. I have just graduated from the most highly regarded film school in the southern hemisphere with flying colors and have, throughout the whole year, been told I’m destined for great things but I know it’s all b***s**t.
I don’t feel close to anyone including people I connect with, relate to and respect. Now that I’m finished I have no money, cannot hold down employment and can’t get employment in my chosen industry. I skate, surf, make films, write, create art but achieve no satisfaction from these things I love. These things keep me alive but can’t warm me when I’m cold.
I show compassion and charisma to my peers yet I only know this because some have told me. I am only interested in women for sex and when I spend time with them they are shaped, in my mind, into a maturity figure. I barley have the materials to live but can’t work in a standard working environment, only in my pursuits (film, art, blah, blah). I‚m so fake and I hate fake people. I never been to a prostitute but I feel they are they only people I could be one with. I feel like there is no future but I have such vivid dreams about my success in film. I’m too proud to kill myself but fear I’ll end up dead anyway with my increasing substance abuse. I crave destruction and the downfall of others but keep my fake persona.
In the end I’m lonely.I Feel Totally Alone
I Feel Totally Alone
I’m glad you care enough about yourself to reach out to us here. You are gearing yourself to be in the world as an artist, and the uniqueness that nudges creatives into their field has a particular nuance to it. I am going to make three recommendations that were drawn from three aspects of your question. First, let’s deal with the “maternal authority” issue.
I will encourage you to read Alice Miller’s groundbreaking work Drama of the Gifted Child, as it outlines some of the dynamics that I am guessing are in your life. In essence the drama refers to the fact that the creative / sensitive child has to learn what they experienced in growing up with their mother, what they got, and what they tried to get and didn’t. Coming to peace with that is essential. Here is a piece I’ve recently written about John Lennon’s therapy in coping with this.
Secondly, you need to make friends with your own psyche. The best way to do this is to begin brief daily meditation. Here is a link to get you started.\
For the behavioral aspects of this I recommend group therapy. Use the above find help tab to locate someone in your area with this specialty.
Finally, I recommend you watch Wild Man Blues —it is a documentary about Woody Allen. I think it offered some of the best insight into the family dynamics of one of the world’s great filmmakers. What I hope you come to realize from this is that your art will be where the struggle you have identified gets worked out.