What a mess of troubles! I’m so, so sorry you are feeling so terrible. I’m impressed that in spite of it all, you are motivated to change things. Good for you.
I suspect that what happened two years ago is that you became an adolescent. School got harder. And you started to develop your own opinions about how life should be. Part of what is going on for you are the physical changes and emotional upheavals that come with the teen years. And part of what is going on for your mom is that you are emerging as a young adult. A lot of parents have trouble with that transition. In your mother’s case, her own upbringing didn’t prepare her to deal with the natural conflicts between mother and daughter in a way that is helpful.
If that were not enough, you are both struggling with physical problems. Your mom must feel crummy most of the time. You have struggled with anorexia. It may well be that the lightheadedness you feel is a result of not eating regularly or not eating enough.
I deleted some of your letter because I wanted to protect you from being recognized by people who know you. If you really want things to be better, I can think of a few things you can do:
First, stop focusing on how wonderful the lives of your friends are in comparison to your own. It may not be true. It does nothing to help you. Instead of focusing on your deficits, work on your considerable gifts. You belong to band and track. You’re a good runner. You have friends. You have a tutor to help you figure out how to do better in school. You have a grandmother you like to see. You do manage to have the relationship you want with your mom for a few days now and then. When you are feeling down, recite the good in your life instead of the bad.
Secondly, start taking better care of yourself. Eat right. Go for a reasonable run several times a week. Continue to turn to prayer. All will give you the strength to deal with the hard stuff.
You are fighting with yourself about how to see your mother. On the one hand, you are grateful that she has given you a life she never had. On the other hand, you are furious with her for the way she sometimes treats you. Both can be true. Appreciate the good times. Forgive her the others. She has had a very hard road of her own.
Finally, talk with your school counselor or minister about how to get some family therapy for you and your mother. A therapist will help you both understand and talk to each other. Your mom needs to learn some new ways to manage a daughter. You need to learn how to respond to your mom in ways that don’t make a bad day worse. If your mom won’t go with you, please consider going for a few sessions by yourself. A counselor will get to know the specifics of your situation and will be able to give you more helpful advice than I can on the basis of only a letter.
One more thing: If you ever think about hurting yourself, please call the Boys and Girls Town Hotline. People are available 24/7 to talk to teens and to give you needed support. Their number is 800-448-3000. You can read up on what they do at their website.
I wish you and your mother well.