You believe in your religion. Your religion tells you that suicide is evil. According to your religion suicide is the ultimate evil that will put you in hell. You accept this but you fail to see the good in life that is also reflected in religion. You should look at religion in a broader way instead of focusing on one particular faith. From a larger perspective, life is a mystery. God can test you. You can’t reject God because he is testing you in this life. Your path in this world is difficult to understand but in order to understand it you have to remain in the process. For you to consider an act to end this process is simply wrong. It’s as though you are saying that you know better than God. God has given you this life and it is up to you to accept his wisdom. God is an infinite mystery. You believe in God and you need to accept the idea that God is extremely complex, perhaps beyond human understanding. You know that God represents good and that he has put you here for a reason and has given you the ultimate gift of life. You cannot reject that gift. That would be like rejecting God.
You should read all that you can but be careful not to form opinions and conclusions until perhaps much, much later in your life. Do your best to be the best that you can be and to do God’s will and accept God’s gift while you are here. The Viktor Frankl book Man’s Search for Meaning can show you how to see all the good in life. Dr. Frankl saw the good in life despite being surrounded by death and evil. That horrific experience allowed for the creation of logotherapy. Logotherapy focuses on the idea that life is difficult, suffering is unavoidable but great meaning can be found in suffering. I think you would find the book very beneficial.
Please take care. I wish you well.